This is not my... Horoscope
This month it is the turn of mystic Susanananana to tell you your fortunes. For April she's rifled through the Calendar to find you some fun and frollicks...
Aries 21 March – 20 April
Remember - Hugs, not Drugs. Put away the prozac and check out National Hugging Day.
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Taurus 21 April – 21 May
Not found the love of your life yet. This Easter could be the time... He/she is most likely to be doing promotional work dressed as a chicken entertaining children.
They will fall for you when you give them a flask of whisky to help them though the day. |
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Gemini 22 May – 21 June
Financial trouble? Don't worry - everything will be fine. Head down to the Duke with some mates and have a beer... |
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Cancer 22 June – 23 July
Could music be the food of love? No harm in finding out. Head down to check out the AG Band and try out your best chat up lines... If you need help - why not have a look at the ones from January's horoscopes! |
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Leo 24 July – 23 August
You need to start being more refined. (People have noticed that you pick your ears with your bosses biro/suck the beer spills out of your shirt sleeves/etc...) The Albert Hall for you this month. Practise nodding sagely as you listen to a few classical tunes. |
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Virgo 24 August – 23 September
Put on a few winter warmers? Don't worry - you still look hot hot hot. Take a wander down to the London marathon to check out all the sweaty people running - they don't.
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Libra 24 September – 23 October
You are a dancing demon. You rule the floor. No one can stop you. Get yourself down to Footloose and put the cast to shame with your busting moves.
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Scorpio 24 October – 22 November
Some apologising to do? Gran's birthday? Trying to woo your boss? Whichever way - flowers might help. Forget 'Tulips a la Esso station' and try out Columbia Road instead.
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Sagittarius 23 November – 21 December
Whether for a slowlondon day or a downshifting week - you deserve to take it easy. Put your feet up. |
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Capricorn 22 December – 20 January
Let's face it. You might think you're funny but no one else does. Check out the Mighty Boosh to see how it's done. (Word of warning though - rumour has it that one viewer wet themselves - don't forget the terry toweling..) |
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Aquarius 21 January – 19 February
Well Aloha indeed.
What you need is a bit of Hula Boogie. Take that guy/girl you have been eyeing up for ages then ditch them for someone who looks even better in a grass skirt. |
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Pisces 20 February – 20 March
You like to think you are pretty cool but secretly harbour a Dusty Springfield infatuation. It's ok. Soulwax are in town and you can get the odd glimmer of an old favourite while maintaining your dignity. Well - until you stand in dog poo on the way there and everyone thinks you have s*at yourself... |
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