This is not my... Horoscope

Aries

21 March – 20 April

Lost weight. Looking fantastic. Is it because you have been eating healthy seasonal produce...?

Taurus

21 April – 21 May

You are so close to being the most intelligent person your friends know. Why not learn a few more facts to look even smarter than you already do?

Gemini

22 May – 21 June

You are looking hot hot hot. Ouch. Make sure that everyone you know is saving water as they might need to use more than normal taking cold showers!

Cancer

22 June – 23 July

If only your mother had held on! Gemini's are scorching but Cancerians are looking peaky after last months bday celebrations. Maybe our health and beauty section can help?

Leo

24 July – 23 August

Everyone looking at you? Feeling Paranoid? Edgy? Drink less coffee. It's driving you mad. Plus boiling the kettle so much is using a sh*t load of energy too. They could be watching...

Virgo

24 August – 23 September

This is the birthday when you will meet the gentleman / lady of your dreams. Best make sure you are dressed to impress.

Libra

24 September – 23 October

Wow - you've been impressing in the bedroom! Phew. If the furniture needs replacing see if this environmentally friendly stuff can take the pace...

Scorpio

24 October – 22 November

Love is in the air... its beautiful man. Maybe you guys should get puppies, cats, a badger..? Either way - long, meandering, hand holding walks should be on the cards.

Sagittarius

23 November – 21 December

It may have been a crazy fun filled summer but it's time for a sensible moment. Go on. Brave a look at the bank account and sort out the finances.

Capricorn

22 December – 20 January

Hey (wink) How you doing...? It's easy. All you have to do is ask. They will want to go for dinner with you and - for a good restaurant - you need look no further...

Aquarius

21 January – 19 February

YOU ARE ON FIRE! Oh my god I wish I was you. Please can I be you. Please. Mind you - with the highs you can get the lows. Feel free to come for a spot of therapy if you need.

Pisces

20 February – 20 March

Summer time fun doesn't have to end but you need to focus a bit more on work. Impress the boss with some suggestions for action and save them some energy pennies too.